This was originally published as part of the Vine & Fig “Pray Tell” project.

She sounds quite chipper once she makes it to the telephone. ‘Hey dear!’ it sounds. ‘Happy Mother’s Day’, I go. A few years ago, when I decided that I was going to transition into low contact mode with my mother, I couldn’t have imagined that Mother’s Day was going to be like this.

As many countries celebrate moms today, we remember that, on Mother’s Day last year, we saw my stepfather leave for the hospital, never to return again. The anniversary of his death is next week. Given the trajectory of my life, celebrating my mother’s parenting abilities seems ridiculous, but given the calendar, keeping a distance between us on this very day seems cruel.

Things I probably shouldn’t say to my girlfriend’s grandparents

1. Damn
2. My result for that “What religion are you?” quiz gave me a 4% match with Catholicism
3. The result was the same for your grand-daughter

Things I’d say if I had 15 minutes of airtime on Dutch television and I wouldn’t have to account for my actions later:

1. Some of the singers are great, your talent show is just really, really dumb.
2. Herd behavior is the first phase of personal decay
3. I wanted Obama to win for the most obvious reason, and it wasn’t Bush or the war.

People I’d love to give that one last push to make them fall hard in life: